I’m
just getting back from a two-day break from writing this book. I joined my friend, Kory, who invited me to
join her for a little road trip down to Virginia to visit her best friend,
Tiffany. When we arrived at her friend’s apartment, it did not take long before
I stretched out on the thick wall-to-wall carpet. (I guess I had been longing
for sitting on a carpet after living in New York City, where most floors are
dominated by hard wood.) The three of us sat there, and they shared with me
some of the issues their mothers were facing.
Tiffany
explained that her dad had left their home after thirty-five years of marriage.
We touched on some of the details of why he left, but mostly we talked about
how she was keeping her mom emotionally stable. She was making every effort to
be there for her mom on the phone, driving three hours to visit her, inviting
her mom to stay with her, giving her money, and so forth. This was in addition
to understand her Dad’s actions. I
thought, “Here is Tiffany, with this big heart and youthful thirty-something
energy, trying to drive the bus.”
I
flashed back to thirty-five years ago. This bus stopped in front of her mom,
and she jumped on. Apparently, she liked
where it was going to take her and the things she was seeing along the way. Most likely, she had a crush on the
driver. So after a while, she and the
driver decided to take care of this bus together. He did most of the driving,
and she handled most of the maintenance.
They had two children whom they raised on the bus, and they did their
best in making sure that they were safe and comfortable. There were times when the ride was bumpy and
times when it was smooth. After their
kids rang the bell to get off the bus, her mom and the driver wondered if they
showed the best examples as to how to drive.
As the bus moved along, they sometimes did not agree on where this bus
should be going. Soon, they could not
even communicate as to how to fix the bus. Before they knew it, they felt the
bus was going around in circles and out of control. She got sick of being told of what was not
working, and he got tired of hearing how he should drive. Then one day, the driver decided to get off,
but he left the bus in motion. That day
was last week.
Now
her mom was alone on the bus, not knowing how to drive. Luckily, her daughter jumped on, and she
knew enough too ease the breaks and slow it down. A few passengers got on, mostly family and
friends. Some just wanted to support the
new driver; still others told her to go this way or that way or drive like this
or that. None of this was of much help
because few had really had been on this bus as long as she had. Tiffany was probably in the best position to
help because she was on this bus longer than anyone else. But even Tiffany could not truly understand
this bus. There were only two people
that could gain control of this bus because only two people really knew how the
bus started moving in the first place. These two people are her mom and the
former driver, her Dad. But now her mom,
at 57 years old, is figuring out who or why she even needs to drive this bus.
It
didn’t take long to see the similarities between these two best friends, not
only from what has developed over the years but in what has taken place in
front of my eyes. It was about a year or so back when Kory’s father suddenly
passed away, and she tried to drive her family bus. The main passenger was her
mother. Now, over a year has passed, and the two seem able to keep the bus on
the road. Each seems for the most part
“happy.” Her mom is still in the same house and getting along with her
life. But, Kory struggles with her mom’s
wishes to try and keep the bus moving.
Whether it is financially, emotionally, or dealing with other passengers
(family and friends), Kory does her best and keeps her eyes on the road. But I
feel that she asks herself, “Why do we keep doing all this work to keep this
bus on the road? Where are we going?”
I
feel that, if her dad could give her advice, he would say, “Stop trying to keep
it on the road. That doesn’t mean to leave it on the side of the road. But just put it in the garage, nice and clean
so if you or anyone else wants to take a look at the bus to remember all the
wonderful rides we had. Where should you go? Get in your own car, or get on a
different bus and go where you feel you will learn and enjoy life the most. You
have enough tools to navigate you to your destination."
As
I watched these two beautiful, educated, thirty-something-year-old women doing
their best and giving all the love they had to handle the situations of their
mothers as well as their own, I thought, “How ironic.” These women probably spent most of their
childhoods looking up to their mothers to lead as role models. Then the time
probably came when they did not want to be anything like their mothers, and
they revolted. And now, whether their
mothers want to admit or not, their mothers are probably looking at them to
lead and be role models.
Throughout
my mentally-stimulating weekend with Kory and Tiffany, I was often asked, “Paul,
what’s your thoughts on this or your thoughts on that?” Now that I’ve reflected
on what I have heard, seen, and felt, I would say this to them, “I feel it
starts with certain awareness and having an understanding that every human’s
test in life is one of a kind. Every feeling of joy and struggle is
unique. Although, I do feel there are
often thin traces or trends that can become visible. I think your mothers are looking for the
right answers. Can you or anyone else
give them the right answer? I would probably answer ‘No.’ But, you can give
them examples, so they can start asking themselves the right questions.”
I
would also say, “Don’t get me wrong. Words are extremely powerful, but they are
also one-dimensional and penetrate through one or two senses. Now, action is
three-dimensional and can reach someone through all of his or her senses. You
have a choice. You can do the same as others who they turn to and just talk, or
your action can shine so brightly that they want to look in your direction. You are strong, intelligent, independent,
ambitious, beautiful, loving women who make decisions and take action. Whatever
your decisions may be, don’t forget the importance of maintaining the quality
of your characters. This is what your mother will see, and more importantly,
this is who you will see when you look in the mirror as you try on that new
shade of eye shadow. Show them this
example, and hopefully, they will be able to truly see these qualities in
themselves because, after all, they are a part of you, and you are a part of
them.”
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