I
remember my dad telling me that 90% of life is showing up. Years later, shortly before he passed, I asked
him if he had any advice for me as a parent.
He said, “Just be there.”
…
Love
is about being “there.” Being “there” is
a feeling. People know when this feeling
is “there” and when it is not. It’s so
easy to say, “I went here,” or “I went there,” but many times, we don’t feel
present if we don’t experience the honest feeling of love and energy from a
culture, a person, or a place. We can
experience this lack of being “there” at work, at home, and in the most
intimate moments of love. I know people
who have traveled the world and still feel as if they were not present in the
places they visited. When we are truly
“there,” we feel the environments, cultures, and people who are close.
This principle is one that I often
need to check in on in my life because I sometimes struggle with feeling that I
am “there” as a dad. The fact is that I
am not always there physically (as a dad) on a daily basis, and the separation
can be emotionally challenging.
There
are so many tools of technology that convince us that we are “there.” But nothing can replace the physical presence
of a human being. Our human presence is
something that should be valued, praised, respected, and not taken for granted
because we don’t know when this feeling will come again.
I feel sometimes that people fear
encounters with others because of the emotions that may surface with these
interactions. I see this at times when
someone close to us becomes ill or is in need of personal presence more than
anything else in this world. I remember
witnessing this with my own dad and mom, as well as others, when I sat by their
bedsides. Sometimes, I would see the
people do whatever was needed to escape from the truth of the situation of a
sick loved one. Maybe these efforts were
to escape from thoughts of not knowing what to say or how to respond when faced
with truth. However, I have learned that
just being “there” physically can say so much that you only really need to say
a little.
I don’t believe I am alone in cherishing
the priceless feeling of simply sitting by the bedside of another and not
saying anything, just feeling. Who is it
priceless to? You? I don’t think so. It’s more priceless to the one you sit
beside. Feeling emotions in these
moments is a blessing, and it reveals our true purpose for “being there.” Without those feelings, we numb our
existence. We should not fear emotions
of being close to another, and if we do, we are only afraid of ourselves. The better we know ourselves, the less afraid
we will be, and we will be more capable of sharing the experience of being
close to others on a physical level.
As a dad, being in environments of
love is what I strive for, in addition to wanting security for my loved
ones. Although, as fathers and mothers,
I sometimes think it seems to take this direct relationship from security to
fear. Maybe our minds need to be shifted
back to the origins of the womb, where the relationship from security to love
was more present. Love was most present
in the womb, which gave us the highest sense of security. Love is what we strive for as parents. But, if we so happen to enter a place an
insecurity and fear, it will take our sharp vision as moms and dads to see
beyond the fear to find the love. Then
we will have a thoughtful approach toward transforming the fear using the basic
ingredients of love. As parents, we can
each plant our own personal seeds of love for our children so they can grow
over the weeds of fear. Sometimes as
parents, we have so much fear and insecurity inside of us that it takes work to
change. We have a choice. We can choose to change or choose to stay the
same. Thus, before you can expect to see
the presence of love in other environments, you must first find this love
within your own internal environment.
…
Today,
we often build walls that make it harder and harder to find the essence of
things. Sure, it may be easy for me to
write this as I’m surrounded by brick walls and sitting on a bench in a Harlem
housing project. But I feel that each house
is a project. The project for most houses is to build a home. Sometimes, building a home can involve a
tedious sculpting process to get to the core of suffering to move in the
direction of happiness. However, from my
experience, the core is quite simple.
The core of suffering is feeling alone, and the core of happiness is
feeling together. This must not be
mistaken. I’m talking about the idea of
truly feeling and the physical idea of being.
Being alone and feeling alone are two different things. The same goes
for being and feeling happy. Our feelings are the deeply rooted truth of our
nature. It is far more valuable to have
the power to respect and tap into a feeling.
Yes, it is helpful toward finding happiness to not “be” alone or to “be”
loved, but rather than fill in the blanks of being, feeling is where the true
fire is ignited.
…
I’ve
heard the definition of success as “being with the ones you love.” Though this is important, it is much more
important to feel mutual love with those we love. So, as my dad said, 90% is showing up, and I
believe the remaining 10% is feeling or “being there.”
Truly
feeling love, showing up in this universe, and loving all that has been created
makes me feel that my natural tasks are complete. Therefore, if we accept love without fear,
pessimism will disperse, and hope will rise.
Eventually, we will move on from this Earth as my dad did. We will feel our jobs are done. The 90% plus that 10% means that we gave 100%
to life.
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